Diary of a Pirate
by Rogue Novelist
Summary: A journal of Jack Sparrow's exciting life. Nothing else, really. Drinking, Will Turner bashing, sailing, women and all the other things that would go on in his life. I went a little heavy on the pirate talk, but it's still fairly good!
1. Log 1

Dear Journ--Wait, this is s'posed to be a log, isn't it? Ah, scupper it. Who cares?Dear Journal,  
  
You know, that Mr. Turner is REALLY startin' to get me me nerves. Sometimes I wish I could just keelhaul 'im...But then again, 'e must want to keelhaul me, too. 'Tis not MY fault that he's honest an' stupid. Honestly-stupid. Stupidly-honest. I dunno which one makes more sense. I guess they both do, so we'll make it Stupidly-honest-honesty. Now I'm confusin' myself so I'll move on...  
  
'Twas quite windy t'day. Had to reef the sails and brace that mast or the mast would've broken right off of my ship. The fastest bloody ship in the whole Caribbean, it is, an' it's got the 'andsomest and most respected captains to ever sail. Just because me old hearties marooned me doesn't mean bilge, so don't even TRY to bring that up! If you ask the lasses in Tortuga about me, they'd give you a whole different description...They'd say I was a dirty scoundrel (Well, derr, I'm a pirate...) and a one night stand. Hey, gotta keep myself pleased, aye? Jus' one wench gets too bloody borin'. Why not mingle with all o' 'em, savvy? Who I really want to shoot for is that Elizabeth Swann from Port Royal. 'Twas that Turner-lad who picker 'er up. How could she choose HIM over me? If I were her, and I had to pick between me and Mr. Turner, I'd pick Mr. Turner because I'm Elizabeth Swann an' I'm not smart and pirates are way out of my league. It makes me laugh sometimes...Hah...William Turner over Captain Jack Sparrow...Pahaha...Haha...ha...NO, I'M NOT JEALOUS! Me? Jealous? It's going to make me laugh more! PAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHA! Okay, I'm done now...  
  
I have nothin' against that lad. He's jus' not fit fer pirate-life. He's too bloody proper (and clean) for my kind of life. Every time I go to swipe somethin', he goes, "Jaaaaaccckkk! That's wrong!" And I go, " I'M A PIRATE FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, LAD! I had to remind you twice at swordplay 'cause you kept complainin' about me cheatin', and now I have to remind yeh again?! Good God!" And by yellin' that I had to keep the officers busy while Turner-lad ran to the Pearl and got 'er ready to sail as soon as I got there. Then, I had to leap off o' the docks and grab a line hanging down the side of the ship. Any ideas as to why this happened? Being honestly-stupid! ...Or was it stupidly-honest? ...  
  
A load of trouble, that kid is. And a devilish kid, too. When we first met he got me locked up, and then he makes me make him a deal to save Miss Swann so I can get out. I mean, come on, lad!! Yeh got me in there in the first place, mate. You had better be getting me out! I had better be goin' before those mindless hearties of mine do something...Honestly stupid...  
  
~Jack Sparrow 


	2. Log 2

Ahh...Bilge...What in the bloody Caribbean did I do last night? I feel...quite wasted. I shouldn't drink like that anymore. Agh...MY HEAD....I wonder what I did last night. Y'know what? Let's not tread there...Savvy? Aheh, heh, heh...Change of subject before I back myself into a little corner.  
  
Since I dun' remember any of the bilge I did last night, I'm just gonna talk about other bilge. Like how many times I used the word "bilge" already and how fun it is to use. Or we can talk about my old first mate, Barbossa. Barbossa, Barbossa, Barbossa...Jus' because I'm always drunk dun' mean I'm an inbecile. Thinkin' that yeh can get rid o' me. Psh! I'm glad I got rid o' him first. That no good, dirty little land-lovin' old git! GOD!!! And what of name is "Barbossa"? Is it a first name? A last name? A middle name? ALL THREE?! Or was it just so fun to say that yeh kept it? Come to think of it, it IS fun to say. Maybe I can make it into a song. B-B-BAR!! B-B-B-BOSSA! Bar, Bar! Bossa, Bossa! BBAAARRRRRBOOOSSSAAA!!! WHOOO-HOO! 'ey, that IS fun to say... Let's say it backwards! Assobrab. HAH!!! That's really funny. And stupid at the same time, 'cause Barbossa was a stupid man. But he wasn't honest so he didn't have stupidly-honest-honesty.  
  
When yeh think of it, the only not stupid thing is rum. Rum makes yeh happy when you're sad. It makes yeh wanna dance in the rain and bellyflop into the ocean. (Which DOES cause a lot of pain, mind you.) Sometimes it even makes yeh want to--- Ehh...I won't go there.  
  
Yeh know what Miss Swann called me the night before? A slug! Isn't that just rude? All I did was ask her if she'd replace my teddy bear with 'erself! Then she smacked me and called me a slug! I definitely didn't deserve any of that bilge! I don't deserve half of the slaps I get, aye?  
  
Right about now I'd be climbin' outta this little old bed of mine, but I dun' feel like it. I betcha that Mr. Turner is gonna start barkin' wrong orders an' I'll go up there anyway. That's why they call ME Captain. Not HIM. Ah, yeh see? A wrong order already! "Pull the heavy thing out of the water!" AHAH! It's, "Weigh anchor!" Honestly, mate! If you're gonna be givin' orders, at least give 'em the RIGHT way. Idiocy always seems to prevail on this ship! UGH!  
  
~Jack Sparrow 


	3. Log 3

Dear Journal,  
  
I'm angrier than a dragon that was waken from a peaceful sleep! Why? WHY?! 'Cause my beautiful ship is now in a million itty-bitty BLOODY PIECES!!! Millions...of...woodchips...My ship. My ship. MY SHIP!!! What the 'ell am I s'posed to do now? It's all that bloody blacksmith's fault! Here's the story:  
  
I was sittin' there in my cabin loadin' a few pistols with gunpowder, so gunpowder was all over the place. Alright. So Mr. Turner comes in and he sits down an' we had a surprisingly intelligent conversation, aye? 'Twas startin' to get a wee bit dark...I found no need for a candle just yet, but Mr. Turner obviously did or my poor ship wouldn't be in pieces at the moment...He lit a candle and dropped the lit match on the floor...RIGHT INTO THE PILE OF GUNPOWDER. BOOM!!!  
  
How much more bloody stupidity can one have?! Bilge, mate! Bilge! You would think that somebody has enough common sense to put out the match before throwin' it over their shoulder! Now we're stranded on this island that I don't even think's on the map! Gibbs tried cheerin' me up by suggestin' that we name the island Black Pearl Flambe, but at the time I was angry enough to flog anybody that even MENTIONED the Pearl to me. It's kinda funny now that I really think of it...  
  
I saw the strangest people when I walked off. I think they were natives or somethin'. They had like...colorful face paint...And they were almost all naked! They had a little cloth thingamajigger to cover their privates with! Kinda reminds me of Tortuga when there's a real raging party goin' on... I think I should do the craziest thing and go ask 'em for help. There's really no risk at all. What's the worst that can happen? Oh sure, they could pounce on me, rip out my bloody guts (Hey, bloody works BOTH ways there!), and tear off my head and throw it on a pretty silver platter. Nothin' that somebody didn't already try to do to me. A'course...I don't know what to say 'bout me hearties after I'm dead. They'll probably be besieged, chased around, then finally caught and served for dinner in the native tribe's celebration. Mmm...Roast buccaneer...My favorite! Jack, you're such a cannibal! Come to think of it, I would resort to cannibalism if I was stuck on an island with a load o' hungry buccaneers. Eat them before they can eat me, savvy?  
  
Going absolutely insane,  
  
Jack Sparrow 


	4. Log 4

Dear Jack's Journal,  
  
Jack ran off to some native tribe to ask for help. He had told me to write an account of the progress of the repairs upon The Black Pearl if he hasn't returned by midday. We've gotten the masts, rudder, and prow parts back together. I'm surprised that these pirates had the minds to do such tasks.  
  
To tell the truth, I was hoping that I could read other entries. Jack tore them all out. He's quite smart. Sometimes I wonder if he has the fastest mind in the Caribbean or if he just has a load of luck.  
  
I'm getting quite concerned. Jack has been gone for a while now. I wonder what had happened to him. Perhaps the natives pounced on him, ripped his guts out, and tore off his head and placed it on a silver platter...And if so, what will become of the crew and I? Will we end up becoming a generous feast for ravenous natives...? Well, I suppose if I were one of the natives, I would eat the intruders before they could eat me. ...That is just too grotesque to even think about! Ugh! I knew he shouldn't have gone alone! Oh, curse you, Jack! You and your enormous ego!  
  
I must go and direct the crew now. You would expect them to know how to put a ship back together. I'm only a blacksmith for goodness' sake!  
  
About to vomit from thinking about cannibalism,  
  
William Turner  
  
P.S.  
  
I'm going to rip this page out so Jack can't read it! HAH! That'll show him that I don't trust him enough to not read private things, either! 


	5. Log 5

Dear Journal,  
  
I'm back in one full piece! The natives are quite friendly. I think they think I'm a God. Perhaps not...Unless they would walk up to a God and start pulling at his hair beads and bandana and beard. I think maybe they were so friendly to the point that they were bold. How did they know that I wasn't going to scalp them or something? Too bold...Too bold...But not as bold as me! I dunno if this "food" they gave me is exactly...safe...It smells funny and it looks like bilge. I wouldn't be surprised if they gave me mud. I'll just give it to Gibbs and if he eats it and dies the next morning, I'll know not to eat it. If he does die I'll save the garbage to force feed to anybody who dares cross me! Arr...Now I think that's even too bold for me...  
  
I should come up with lessons of the day...Like don't eat stuff that smells strange and looks like mud. Or...Erm...Never underestimate the power of bilge; It could kill you if yeh eat it! Nah. That one's kinda stupid. What kind o' idiot would eat bilge? I mean, c'mon, not even Mr. Turner would eat it, and he's pretty much and idiot. Sometimes I even wonder if he's the same species as the rest of us...Ah, I can't think straight now. Tomorrow we'll have a lesson of the day.  
  
Speakin' of Mr. Turner...He was s'posed to write an entry...AND HE RIPPED THE DAMNED PAGE OUT! THAT BLOODY IMBECILE! The whole bloody POINT of having him write an account was so I knew how the repairs on the Pearl were comin'! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! He's so stupid that when I look at him now, my eyes burn! The sheer stupidity radiating off of him burns them! I swear I'm going to go insane if I see another act of stupidity come from him! ARGH!!!  
  
"Oh, sure, Jack. I'll write you an entry..."  
  
MY BLOODY BEHIND! YOU WROTE AN ENTRY AND I NEVER SAW IT!!! WAS I ASKING TO MUCH?!?! ARR!!! I NEED TO GO COOL OFF!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
TOO ANGRY TO NOT WRITE IN ALL CAPITALS AND NOT USE A LOT OF EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!JACK SPARROW!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	6. Log 6

Dear Journal,  
  
I saw a ship sail by t'day. First I thought it was the H.M.S. Interceptor, but then I had a flashback of when the Interceptor blew up. (And surprisingly enough Mr. Turner didn't do it...) I took me spyglass and took a look at the name and then I was clueless. I dunno who the 'ell's ship that was. It is DEFINITELY NOT one of ol' Norrington's poor excuse of a ship. Think it might've been a French ship. Its name was "The French". You'd expect a ship called "The French" to have French people on it. I always knew the French were stupid. Either that or I'm stupid because I didn't read the name right. Watch, really, the ship is called "Thef Rench" or something. "Thef Rench" is even stupider. (Is 'stupider' a word...?) Could be pirates who are so stupid that they misspelled "Thief Wrench". Wait...Thief Wrench?! What a riot! HAH!!! What the 'ell is wrong with people these days?! Before you know it they'll be naming doors "Brittany" and little girls "Door", and little boys "Window" and windows "Robert". And if that is the case, they should call donkeys "Barbossa" and Barbossa "ass".  
  
I think I'm gonna sail us all to Tortuga. Beautiful women there. I'll have 'em all at least once before I leave. The best part about Tortugan-women is that they'll gives you exactly what you want. Whatever it is, you'll get it. Best performances ever, period.  
  
Yeh know what? I think I'm gonna make this entry short and drink until I pass out. Good plan, aye? Aye!  
  
Word of the Day: stupider  
  
Lesson of the day: Be careful not to misread a ship's name  
  
Going on a drinking spree,   
  
Jack Sparrow 


	7. Log 7

Dear Journal,  
  
Left me hearties quite a mess to clean up. No, no. I didn't vomit all over the deck after I drank. I ran over to the side of the ship and vomited into the water, if you really must know. Actually, I was so drunk that I was doing acrobatics up by the crow's nest. Landed in a load of barrels and whatnot when I fell. Pieces of wood flew everywhere. I should start up a circus. You know, with people doing tricks with ropes and human pyramids and stuff that interests people. It'll need a fancy name, too, like...Cirque du Soleil! I dun' even know what language that's in, nevermind what it means. It has a nice little ring to it, though. Idea was prolly already taken, though.  
  
"The French"or..."Thef Rench" keeps sailin' back n' forth infront of us! Next time those lunkheads sail near us they'll get such a behind kickin' that they'll kiss the moon and I can take their ship as my own. I'll have to change the name though. Gonna end up being the laughing stock of all the pirates in the world if I have a ship by the name of "Thef Rench"... "Thief Wrench"..."The French"...WHATEVER THE GODDAMNED SHIP IS CALLED!  
  
Maybe I should name it "The White Pearl". I mean, I already have one called "The Black Pearl", so why not "The White Pearl? Or perhaps "The Pearly Pearl?" ( I can't tell you exactly what color Pearls are...I dunno what it is myself.) Or maybe "The Pearlinator?"..."Pearlorific?" That sounds...all right. It sounds like it'll make a better word, though. You know...  
  
"How are you doing, Mr. Sparrow?"  
  
"Pearlorific!!! And that's CAPTAIN Sparrow."  
  
  
  
Nah. I'd just sound like an idiot if I said "Pearlorific!!!" Guess what? I have another idea. I could make money off o' this one, though. I'll sell the charcoal that I use to line my eyes! (Yes, that IS charcoal. Quite dangerous if you take a piece from a burning fireplace or if you get one from a blacksmith. You'll burn yer damned deadlights** out, and I'm speaking out of first-hand experience!) And I'll call that charcoal...Eyeliner. Brilliant! Brilliant! Jack Sparrow's Pearlorific Eyeliner! Whoo-hoo!  
  
Alright, "The French"/"Thef Rench"/"Thief Rench" is really gettin' on me nerves. Either stay to the left or the right! Don't go zigzaggin' all over the damned Caribbean, mate!  
  
Oy. I should really stop my swearing, aye? Lots of those Englishwomen find swearing a big turnoff. Then again, Englishwomen are so hard to please.  
  
Word of the Day: Pearlorific!  
  
Lesson of the Day: Don't swear, especially infront of Englishwomen  
  
~Jack Sparrow  
  
**Deadlights: Piratical term for "eyes" 


	8. Log 8

Dear Diary,   
  
I am very angry at the moment. The worst things have happened to me! I was standing on the deck of the Pearl beside Mr. Turner, and some crew member threw a bucket of water on me! I'm sure he didn't mean it, but if he didn't drink so much he wouldn't have missed! Somebody needs to whip this crew into shape. Norrington would have given that crew member a good flogging...  
  
Then, I went to walk aft and my feet got caught in some rope, and I tripped right off of the ship! Lucky we were in port or I would have been keelhauled by accident. Possibly killed! It's unbelievable, really. Some people are always lucky and nothing bad ever happens to them. To continue on with what happened, I was hauled out of the water by the rope that was caught on m ankles. That was quite painful. Who couldn't feel pain if they were lifted by the ankles? I thought my legs were going to be ripped off of my body! I had better stop speaking about such things or I will make myself sick.  
  
The worst of the worst things that happened to me was that I was hit on again! Not by some person who didn't know me very well, but that somebody was the same person who I was marooned on the beach with! They know very well that it would never work out. I've told you about the person already, right Diary? I don't like to speak of that person much. I'll go back to see if I have written anything about you know who...  
  
That's strange. You're quite different today, Diary. Pages wrinkled, corners ripped...Even the signature looks different. I haven't mentioned the person, but I've mentioned myself in a very nasty way. Have I been hit over the head with something terribly heavy? I don't remember writing any of this. Not one bit of it. What in the world is a Thef Rench? Oh...Jack Sparrow's Pearlorific Eyeliner. If I had invented something called eyeliner, why would I put that dirty scoundrel's name on it? He's the same dirty scoundrel who went hitting on me... Oh, dear...Oh, dear...You aren't my diary! You're Jack Sparrow's journal! How did I get a hold of this?! ...If I have Jack's journal...Then he must have my diary!!!! I need to get it back! NOW!!! Oh, and I should rip this page out, too.  
  
Having an even worse day than before,  
  
Elizabeth Swann 


	9. Log 9

Dear Journal,  
  
My last entry was really odd, eh? Why in the bloody hell would I go hitting on myself and call myself a bloody scoundrel? And I speak kindly of ol' Norrington! Oy, I seriously hafta lighten up on that Spanish rum. Strong stuff, it is. The most fiery of all firewater. I should write more often when I'm drunk, tho. Verrryyy nice handwritin'. I can actually READ it. An' I sound all proper-like, too...Which I didn't think was possible. Hmm...Ah, oh, well. When in doubt; Sing an' shout! And that's what I'll do!  
  
B-b-baarrrbooosssaaaa....Why do yeee smeeelllllllll soooooo......B-b-bar-b...B-bossssaaaa...Ye smeellllll like biilllgggeee wattterrr and the prrriivvvyy after Giibbbsss had used iiitttt. An' whyyy can't I figure out whether or noootttt Barbossa is yerrr firrssttieee or lasssttiiieee naammiiieeeeeeee?!?! Yo-ARRGH!-ho!   
  
Eh. Not a very catchy tune. I'll hafta come up with somethin' better later. But seriously...How the 'ell did I manage to pull off an Elizabeth Swann in my journal? I'll...Figure it out, sooner or later.  
  
The French/Thef Rench/Theif Wrench (Still laughin' about 'Thief Wrench'! Ahahaha!) hasn't been seen for a li'l while. 'Tis a good thing, tho. They were really startin' to pester me guts out.   
  
I saw the most interestin' li'l person in Port Royal t'day. His head was kinda big and his limbs a little short and he was dressed in a brightly colored costume. Gibbs told me he was a clown, but I thought clowns were just people dressed up all weird to make money. Then he explained that that's what parents say to little children, just so they dun' get scared. He said they're actually of a different race and their faces are permanently colored like that! An' they feed secretly off o' children when nobody's lookin'. Quite strange, eh? They walk 'round entertainin' kids all day an' then eat them at night? Gibbs says that's how they get to eat. Children aren't 'fraid of 'em so it's easier to catch 'em....Sounds a bit ridiculous to me. Mr. Turner told me that the little clown was just like the other clowns, but how could I believe that? That particular clown was only knee high! And then he told me that it was some kinda birth defect or somethin'. Wasn't a very entertaining explanation. I liked Gibbs' better. Has horror elements in it. To be honest, I think Gibbs had more Spanish rum than I did. Pshaw. Load o' nonsense he's talkin', aye? But ye never know...Ye never know...  
  
Still haven't figured out how I pulled an Eliz. Swann in the journal. I'll keep writin' until I do.  
  
Rumor has it that dearest Commodore got into a HUGE fray--Oooh! Rum! Spanish rum! My new favorite. MmMmMm...Where was I? Oh, I remember. Rumor has it that Norrington got into this ENORMOUS fray with the French. Got fatal wounds. I dun' feel bad for 'im or anythin'...But the story--Hold on, lemme drink a bit more...Dun' wanna spill it by tryin' to drink an' write all at once...Okees. But the story was bloody amazing. The surgeon drilled holes in the keel o' Norrington's ship and they began to--Ooh, big inkblot. Sorry. Hiccupin'. Anyways, the surgeon drilled holes in the keel, an' they started to sink. Luckily...They were...--DAMNED HICCUPING! Maybe if I drink a li'l rum they'll go away. Okay. Better. Luckily, they were rescued-- THEY AREN'T GONE YET! I heard if ye hold yer nose and drink rum it'll make the hiccups go away. Gonna try that. Hmm...Ahh...Two bottles empty already an' they still aren't gone. Bah. Now the story's all chopped up. Lemme start it again.  
  
French people's surgeon drilled holes in the keel of Norrington's ship...Also nailed a chainshot and destroyed the mizzenmast. Luckily, they were rescued...By...A...Giant water gnome...Named Sally, if I'm rememberin' correctly. Anyways, Sally, the big water gnome, scooped Norrie an' his crew up outta the water. She tried to EAT the Commodore, but 'e tasted nasty so she spit 'im back out. Broke 'is ribs an' two limbs and I think a finger. His pinkie, to be exact. And then his fingernail, the one on the pinkie, said, "You're the most stupid Commodore! Why did I have to grow on...Grow on...Gro...........  
  
Dear Jack's Journal,  
  
He has passed out. This baker's dozen of empty rum bottles may explain why he had passed out. He invariably says that he is going to lighten up, but I have seen no such thing. Commodore Norrington IS indeed fatally wounded, and the French WERE responsible, but there was no water gnome or talking pinkie fingernail. Now that I've cleared that up, I will be shutting the journal and placing a pillow under Jack's head. Good-bye!  
  
William Turner 


	10. Log 10

Dear Journal,  
  
Sorry 'bout the last entry. Kind o' get carried away with the rum. No worries, though! I have a major hangover! And 'tis a good thing in a way 'cause last time I didn't get a hangover when I got up an' I ended up gettin' it later in the day. It'll go away soon.  
  
I thanked Mr. Turner for finishing the entry fer me. The lad isn't so bad. Jus' like 'is father.   
  
Mmm...I'm startin' to think that I didn't write the entry signed "Elizabeth Swann"...It makes more sense that I didn't write it. Never really fancied printing the "Dear Journal" part. Oy,'scuse me, the 'Dear Diary' part-- Woah!!! 'Dear Diary'?! WHY IN THE GODDAMNED BLOODY HELL WOULD I WRITE 'Dear Diary' ?! What do I look like?! A PRETTY PINK BLOODY PIRATE WITH FRILLY LACEY GIRLIE BILGE FOR APPAREL?!?! "Oh, watch me! I'm a prissy little pink pirate pelting posies everywhere! And to open my log book entries, I write 'Dear Diary'." BLOODY HELL, MATE!!! I should get myself flogged for openin' with 'Dear Diary'! Or, I could ask Elizabeth if she wrote in my journal for some strange and unexplained reason when she has a perfectly good diary that she writes, "I LOVE WILLIAM TURNER" in big bold pink n' red lettering all over...But how would she have gotten a hold of my journal? And if she DID get it, she'd most definitely realize that it wasn't hers, aye? Aye! So tomorrow, when I won't have a bloody hangover when I wake up, I'll have myself flogged! That'll teach me not to write in me journal when drunk!  
  
Still no sign of "The French"/"Thef Rench"/"Theif Wrench". Hmm...What should I do today... I jus' realized that almost in every journal entry I get mad at somethin'. This must be my stress reliever, aye? Have a bad day; Take it out on the journal. Dun' like the weather; Get angry at the journal. It starts to rain; Blame it on the journal. I love havin' a journal. Maybe one day it'll be found n' I'll be famous 'cause they'll publish it with these big, new futuristic do-hickies that make copies at breakneck speed! An' then I'll be rich! ...Actually...I'd be dead...So...THEN I'D BECOME THE MOST FAMOUS PRETTY PINK PRISSY PIRATE PEL--Wait. I mean...So then I'd become the MOST DEADEST MONEY FAMOUS WITH A LOT OF RICH! Yeh know, that isn't right either. The...MOST MONEY-- This hangover is really makin' me mind discombobulated...MOST DEAD--...MOST FAMOUS DEAD RICH PERSON WITH A LOT OF MONEY! But I didn't need that little "WITH A LOT OF MONEY!" ending 'cause normally a rich person has a lot of money...Unless he's rich with hair or somethin'. Let us hope that most rich people have a lot of money. Though...I was once rich. With rum. Aye. Lots of rum. I would go drink some, but it wouldn't help this bad hangover...  
  
All discombobulated,  
Jack Sparrow 


	11. Log 11

Dear Journal,

Been a while, 'asn't it, mate?  
Four years almost! Bugger!

Lemme catch you up on what happened, aye?

Turner-lad is a bloody bastard! All right, all right, so I gave 'im to that ol' squidface Davy Jones (I always wanted to 'ack off a tentacle and see if 'e tasted any good...) to pay my debt, but bloody hell, mate! No need to get THAT angry o'er it! God knows I wouldn't be happy either, but Turner's a good lad, with a good 'ead on 'is shoulders, and I thought he would at LEAST do ol' Jack a favor!

Oy, my mind's a bit of a jumble, but the thing furthest back I 'aven't covered that I can remember is me gettin' eatin' by Jones's li'l beastie. Was a cute bloody bastard, really, mate. Big slimy tentacles and whatnot. Ate me, though. Me n' the Pearl. Methinks he only meant it as a sign of affection, really. Like a big puppy with about a gazillion pointy teeth in 'is mouth. 'e don't mean to eat ya.

Crabs, mate.

No, I 'aven't had THOSE crabs. Not since that night in Tortuga yyeaarrsss ago. Gibbs shaved me up like a sheep givin' wool for that li'l fiasco.

But CRABS. Bloody everywhere. I was in some bloody death-realm or whatever abrakadabra it was. Lemme tell you, that whole place is a story in its own. No water ANYWHERE. Jus' sand, and crabs.

Anyway, the crabs.

Ay, they were cute li'l things. Big black eyes, looked like rocks. You go up to try an' pet 'em and WHAM!! They get ENORMOUS with 'uge bloody teeth and seven tongues (believe me, that was certainly interesting to see) with FIRE for hair and--...Oy, no wait a minute. I think that was a nightmare or somethin' I 'ad.

...Ta! I remember now.  
I tried to go an', you know, maybe eat a crab, but I licked one an' it tasted like a rock! An' you know what? I think they were rocks! They looked like 'em, aye? If they look like 'em and taste like 'em, then they must be 'em! Not always the case, I know, mate, but I'm pretty sure that these rocks were crabs when I wasn't lookin'. Or vice-versa. Or somethin' like that.

But you don't care about me crabs or me rocks or me bloody hardships, aye? Last I wrote was somethin' about a Thef Rench/The French whatever the 'ell that ship was. Aye, I never figured out what it was. I asked Gibbs about it few days before an' he don't remember a bloody thing. I'm startin' to think that one was one of those camouflages like those crabs were.

...I don' think camouflage is the word I'm lookin' for.

What the bloody 'ell are those things called?  
Bilge, mate! Don' play stupid! Those...Those things! You know. They're there, but they're not really there...  
Bugger!  
You're no bloody 'elp!

I'll 'ave to finish my story later.  
I'm lookin' for the Fountain of Youth now. No, what I'm tellin' you is not bilge. I 'ave a map for the bloody Fountain of Youth! Took it right out from under Barbossa's nose. OH! That's another thing. Barbossa's back from the dead! An' he isn't a zombie or anythin' special. He's just...Barbossa. An' just as stupid as ever. Ah, an' I found out 'is first name. Hector. Nerdy, aye?

Anyway, a storm's creepin' up on me. I 'ave to be on my toes.

Word of the Day: er...Well, I don' have one.  
Lesson of the Day: If it looks like a rock an' tastes like a rock, then it must be a rock!

Yours truly,  
Jack Sparrow


End file.
